Sometimes I dream
that I'm a giant,
and all the tiny, wonderful
townspeople love me.
But I always, eventually,
wake myself up,
with all the screaming
& yelling from the townspeople
as I stomp on them 

 - c.f.

More Sponsors
& Things That Sound Naughty?
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 This Weeks Curt's List
Is Sponsored By
Hootie's Earlier Experiments
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Things That
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Sticky Buns
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Ascot
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Asinine
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(Oops that one
IS naughty)
Preheat The Oven
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Golf Clap

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Is Sponsored By
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Unfavorable Recipes
Pork And Things
Pork And Strings
Pork And Greens
Pork And Jeans



Little 9 yr. old
Melvin Dahmer
can't wait for next
summer's family vacation
especially after, he's
pretty sure, he
overheard his parents
say they'll
be headed to
Maggot Kingdom!!!





Things That
Sound Naughty??Reindeer Games
Snow Balls
Whitey Bulger
Frigate
Lay-Away
Balmy
Tail Meat
Pole Climber
BonusHigh & Tight
Wood Polish
Shower Head
Community Dump
Dicker
Do It Yourself
Low Blow
Damaged/Leaky Hose
Backhole
Mrs. Chaney Loves Dick
Captain's Log
Outta' Whack



.

 

Shouldn't Matrimony
be called
Mattressmony ? - c.f.

I was thinkin'... Why aren't the Special Olympic medals & trophys all jak'd up? ...like all twisted up, bent & crooked, with holes in em' & shit?

c.f.

(010115)





+  +  +  +

Sponsors
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Splatter Collages
& Close-Up
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Victoria's Secret
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Pinch Him As
Often As You Want !!

.



Moses Sanchez Says
"Let My People Mow !!"

.

Pssssst...   hey buddy ??
...ya got any toilet paper over there ??

 This Week's Curt's List
is Sponsored By
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of the Vanishing
Dryer Sock
& Why It Always Smells Funky Behind Your Ears

.

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The Following Words
That SOUND Dirty ??
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Dick Smothers

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Grampa always thought it was funny to hit me on the way home from school with a two-by-four as he drove past.

...And even
funnier if it had rusty nails sticking out of it.

- c.f.

+  +  +  +Things That
Sound Naughty??
Jactation
Hanging Out
Purple Barney
Dog Leg
Drunken, Bald Headed, Monkey Sex
Whoops That one IS dirty!!
Pork Loin
Hard Drive
Self Tapping Screw
Pickle Liquor
Ellen DeGeneres
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Dank Skank
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Mouthpiece
Scrubs
Playing With Your Laptop
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Dickins
Zamboni
Idaho
Bangin' On My Backdoor
Snatch
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Big Box
Titan
Heavy Package
Skid Marks
Ball Joint
Bang It Out
Meat Rub
Spicy Sausage
Finger Tight Nuts
Dungereess



fuk the fukin'
fukin' fuk
...fukin'
fukers

= = = = = =

Sunday's Curt's List
Is Being Brought
To You By
Oklahoma !!
A state that cares more
about gambling, beer
& religion than
educating our children !!

= = = = = =

Mankind's Greatest BlunderSelf Destruction, & Complete Waste of TimeThroughout all of History has been the Pursuit of,Belief in, & Contribution to Religionc.f.

RELIGION KILLS
BELIEVE
IN YOURSELF
for Christ's sake...

+  +  +  +

I always know the date's
over when I get a face
full of pepper spray



More Sad News...
My Hot Girlfriend,
Victoria's Secret
Mannequin Gwen,
Accidentally Burned
Her Arms Off
Cooking Thanksgiving
Dinner

.

 I have a deep-seated priority to always get
my money's worth, for instance, just before I go in to get my teeth cleaned,
while I'm in the waiting room, I like to eat a mouthful of Oreo's - c.f.

~ ~ ~

How come ya never see
any Nun's w/ Babies?
.
Cannibal's LOVE
Free Toes !!
.
Born Under A Beer Sign
.
Band-Aids should look like bloody gashes

Carpet Shoes are the answer

to Tiled &/or Wooden Floors

= = = = =

NEVER play Cards with a man named Ace

NEVER trust a plumber whom wears rubber boots

NEVER trust a
Skinny Chef

Never trust a
Car Mechanic
who's fingernails
aren't black

And...
&.
NEVER, EVER, EVER, EVER

EVER, EVER, EVER

Trust a Fart

= = = = = =

Why do I ALWAYS discover I'm out of
toilet paper when I've JUST finished taking
the Browns to the Super Bowl?? Why??

- c.f.

 Things That
Sound Naughty??
BJ & The Bear
Drivin' a Stick
Stud Finder
Chocolate Ho Ho's
Tight Squeeze
Succotash
Bacon Drippings
Pole Vault
The Boob Tube
Lunchbox
Turner & Hootch
Smelly Kitty
Meet The Press
Mail Slot
Shawshank
COX
Nut Bag
Potsticker
Sour Puss
COX Installer
Rusty Trombone
Jack In The Box
Woodpecker

Another Lady Gaga Victim

= = = = = =Ain't Nothin' Funnier

Than Stupid

- c.f.

..

.

= = = = = =More Curt's List Sponsors

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and our ice cream has never
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OKLAHOMA

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WALMART

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Dingy Manhair's Failed Toy
PUBIC'S CUBE

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FEET

Nazi German Fast Food
Gestapo Bell

Scarpuss.= = = = =New Year Resolution:
SNAP INTO A SLIM GYM !!

c.f.

= = = = =

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Things That
SOUND Naughty ??
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(Whoops...that one
IS naughty)
Peanuts
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= = = = =

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Failed & Sometimes
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Things That
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Bent, Kinked &/or Floppy Hose

Clam Chowder

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Down At
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Is Being Brought
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New "Who's
Knockin' On My
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& "Am I Done
Poopin'?"
Camera Assisted
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Overlooked
& Viciously
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Dicky Crocket
King of the
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.
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Red Scab Biscuits
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Steel Wool
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Because
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Daaaang
Netflix Is
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FM 103.3
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Less Talk
More Rock

I have sexually molested myself repeatedly
since I was a teen
but no one will listen...
#MeToo

Give Pizza Chants

Things That
SOUND Naughty ??Busted Hose
All-Day Sucker
Wild Beaver
5 Dollar Foot Long
Worn O-Ring
Spicey Meatballs
Hose Bag
Box Lunch
Eating at the "Y"
Wood Trim
Chicken Breasts
Scratch n Sniff
Kibbles 'n Bits
Grape Nuts
Tickle Me Elmo
Tiny Package
8" Long Screw
Lick n' Stick
Log Jam
Cookie Sheets
Strap-on Nailer
Golf Clap
Steamed Meat
Hot Checks
Cumbersome Package
Movie Buff
Swap Meet
Working With My Staff
Shower Head
Policeman's Ball

 



 Things That
SOUND Naughty ??
Big Boned
Low Fluids
Nice Stroke
Entry Level Position
Members Only
Layman
Sweet Lips
Squishy
Mom's Hot
Hummer Lover
Snag
Oral Roberts
Tube
Dewey Bush
How Long Can You Keep It Up?
Vacuum Bag
I Got Your Back
Low Blow
Mom's Gravy
Stocking Stuffer
North Pole
Meatpacker's Union
Chestnuts

 More Things
That SOUND
Naughty ??
Suck It Up
Suck It In
You Suck
Super Soaker
Party Nuts
Seersucker Suit
A Bird In The Bush
Experienced Pianist
Bobber
Smells Fishy
Pork Loins

.

=====

Ignorant, weak, religious people seem to think God is an entity, like an actual person living up in heaven looking down over all of us.
WE are all our own God. You are your God & I am mine. God is nothing more than our own conscious.
Throughout all of history religion has achieved nothing but massive death.
And what an incredible waste of time. We've all been brainwashed as children to believe this religious hogwash, which
instills nothing more than knowing what is right & what is wrong.
If any religion was worth one shit there wouldn't be so many of them.
If you believe in anything, Believe In YOURSELF

Besides, God only gets credit
for healing/saving people, & winning sporting events, even though both sides are shamlessly praying for the same outcome.

.

What about all the death & catastophe he allowed to happen in the
first place??

.

And what kind'a
f'n God kills
so many children ?

.

Who created
the life you live?
Who works for that life?
Who protects that life?
YOU

So Own It !!

...Jeez

 

 Even More Sad News...
My Hot Girlfriend,
Victoria's Secret
Mannequin Gwen,
Was Cought
Cheating On Me
With The New
Rubbermaid Kitchen
Trash Can

Things That
SOUND Naughty???
Nasty Crack
Gettin' Off?
Dick Vermeil
Little Squirt
Bun Warmer
Hot Pocket
Crystal Balls
Shaved Ice
Meet in the Middle
Come From Behind
Flap Jacks
Feeling A Little Chubby
Soft Taco
Helmet Head
Six In The Morning
Gum Balls
Humpin' To Please
Nice Spread
Honey Jar
Peel My Nanner?
Creamer

Jack's Off All Week
Wet Muffin
Wobbly Stool
Yummy Pickle
Asbestos
Saltpeter
Download/Upload

More Sponsors

012318

This Week's Curt's List
is Sponsored By
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Specializing In
A-Hole & B-Hole Reaming
"Restoring Sax Lives
Is What We Do !!"

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of CurtsList.Com
Is Sponsored By
The Brunt of Millions
of Jokes for Decades
YO MAMA !!

Duh??



Week of 092717

This Week's Curt's List
is Sponsored By

The Often Overlooked,
But Just As Important,
Cousins - To The
Fun Kid's Toy
Stupid Putty
Disgruntled Putty
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Listless & Lethargic Putty

This Week's Curt's List
is Sponsored By
The Original
Wall-To-Wall Carpet
Dirt

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is Sponsored By
The Following Words
That SOUND Dirty ??
Heavy Package
Outta' Plum
Skid Marks
Ball Joint
Bang It Out
Meat Rub
Spicy Sausage
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Hoobastank
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Knockers
Loose Dickey
Bloody Gash
Mom's Coming
Moist Taco

This Portion of Curt's List
is Sponsored By
Densmore Pontiac's Answer
To Tiled &/or Wooden Floors
Carpet Shoes



This Week's Curt's List
is Sponsored By:
Edna's Pie Hole
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The Following Words
That SOUND Dirty ??
Chicken Nuggets
Idaho
Lickety Split
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Shag Carpet
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Couscous

- - - - - - - -

.

- - - - - - - -

TOP

HOME



.

More Curt's List Sponsors
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Kemosabe Heat & Air
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Heinz Failed
Marketing Ploys
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.
Kemosabe Plumbing
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= = = = =

Sponsors
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-------
Sponsors
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BOXES !!
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WOOT WOOT !!
No One
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------

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.

TOP

.

Another thing in life I've never
understood is Why do so many couples slap leather to make babies ?
Some of them seem to make babies just for the hell of it weather they can afford them or not, or even know or trust that their freakin' mate is stable enough or trustworthy to stick around.

We only get one shot at this life.
Why in the hell are people in such
a f'n hurry to complicate the shit
out of their lives ??
Child care alone will cost at least
a thousand bux a month
per kid

My Theory: 99% of most people on this planet were accidents, yet no one will ever admit it.

Why can't people just enjoy their lives without creating chaos ??

Just Say NO - People !! Grow a pair & just have some damn fun with your mate for a couple of years !! Unless you really want a 20 year setback of pain, grief, regret & no control over your own damn life - just wait...or better yet - don't have em !!!

Most of these people (Breeders) - leave their parents &/or finish school & desparately, slap leather, searching for a mate - in every way possible including internet dating sites & bars because they can't handle being alone for any length of time whatsoever, although none of them will ever admit it. Then they find someone whom they claim is their soulmate, whom they say they want to grow old with, whom they say they want to do sooo many great/fun things with. They spend an insane/idiotic amount of money getting married and on stupid, meaningless rings & then, before they even truly know each other & usually within months, they get pregnant, 99% by accident, although none of them will ever admit it, and throw every bit of that fairy tale bullshit right out the window.

Now they will do nothing they had planned, and see exactly no parts of the world as they begin supporting & nurturing a selfish, narrcissistic, conceited, completely helpless life form for the next 18 years, many of which will be spent doing every single thing for their baby in their every waking hour - spending untold stacks of money - including feeding it & basically keeping it alive, while trying to work, keep the bills paid, put food on the table, stay healthy, stay happy, keep the marriage going, and keep from getting shot.

Eventually, while going broke, and hurtling even faster toward eminent death, there might be a very small window in time of possible pleasentness, discovery & fun to experience, together, between the ages of 2-12. Ten whole yearmay be peaceful, loving, & full of adventure & learning opportunities. Daily teaching that child YOUR religion, politics, lifestyle, values & personality along the way (Never once considering how fucked up you've been your entire life).

Sooner or later they will experience their loving gift from God (gag me) turn into a purely self centered, phone loving, totally entightled, teen creature, that owes it's entire existance to nothing & no one but their parents, grow to hate them, redicule them, steal from them, & basically do everything it can to avoid &/or escape them, usually just to hook up with someone & have as much sex & unguarded freedom as they possibly can. Finally, eighteen  long years have passed, including every cent you ever earned, every nice thing you ever cherished & every dream you ever had,
and...you...wonder...Why ??
And most people just have more of
these sorry little leeches, all while whining & complaining about them to anyone that will listen. As if life isn't hard enough all by itself. - It's not enough for them to toil for the rest of their lives just for food & shelter, but they have to create a clone of themselves that has no choice in the matter but to live that same life in a world that just keeps getting more & more crowded, competitive, polluted, crude, & violent. Most of these breeders like to blame it all on that 3000 yr. old book of fairytales that they were brainwashed into believing at church. The real culprit though is being unable to keep their naughty parts covered.
We all just want someone, anyone...to simply touch our pee pee's and we'll do anything to make it happen.

Including screwing up our entire lives.

Just...Say...No.

Humans are just...incredibly stupid

.

.

A couple of
Kenny Wayne Shepherd's
Fender Strats.

...
The Two pix above, are of the Fender Eric Clapton Signature Series Stratocaster "Blackie".To View the faithful Original Fender Custom ShopReproduction of "Blackie" check out: fender.com/features/blackie/blackie.In 1970, Clapton bought a handful of Stratocasters, Telecasters, and various other Fenders for $100.00 each at the Sho-Bud shop in Nashville, Tennessee. He took them back to England and gave one to George Harrison, one to Steve Winwood, and one to Pete Townshend. Clapton disassembled the remaining three and constructed "Blackie" out of the best components from each of them.
The Album "Slowhand" - 1977 - Showcases & is dedicated to Eric's Beloved "Blackie".
Recording the album "Slowhand" and the following 'Slowhand Tour' consisted of a band with a rhythm section comprised of three TULSA Musicians,...as Clapton became infatuated with The Tulsa Sound.
Clapton's Rhythm Section:
Dick Sims - Keyboards
Carl Radle - Bass
Jamie Oldaker - Drums
Check out Clapton's Steady Rollin' Man from 461 Ocean Blvd. which featured this Tulsa Rhythm Section - 11th song, within my Blues Music pg. http://curtslist.com/blues_music

.TOP



.

.

.

.

Click the above banner for Map of Tulsa

.

The Stone's - Keith Richards

 TOP

= = = = = =

.

Curt's List
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This Week's
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2,127 Celebrity Rocker
Gig Sock Collection
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+  +  +  +



When I go shopping at a WalMartI mean HELL-Mart
I like to put on their finest fluffy houseshoes & coziest bathrobe, get a package of  burritos & a six pack of beer.I cook the burritos in the best microwave oven I can find and then I take my time
looking at crap, eating burritos & drinking beer.
Mmmmmm...shopping...c.f.

+  +  +  +

.Isn't THIS

Fascinating??

.

= = = = = =

061718

The Problem
With Supporting
Chronic Liars
Is That You
Were Lied To
FIRST

The W.E. Portion
of Curt's List
is Sponsored By
Avis Stapler
Who's Hit Blues Song
"I Passed Out
This Mornin'
And My Baby
Come Back"
Has just Gone
Plastic!!
(Over 200
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Saturday's Curt's List
Is Being Brought
To You By
Nuns !!
Yeah Nuns !!
I mean, who
else would wear
those stupid outfits ??
.
Sunday's Curt's List
Is Being Brought
To You By
The Lack of Clothing
Girls Wear in the Summer
BLESS YOU - SUMMER !!

+  +  +  +Cheech & Chong's
Nationwide Cannabis
Recycling Centers
"Don't just throw
it away man !!"
"We'll...uh...
recycle it man !!"

.

Densmore Pontiac's
Green Plywood
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Sell That Mower
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.
Densmore Pontiac's
Rock Candy
Actual Rocks
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.

Batman's
High-Rise
Window Washing
Robin Squeegeee

.

Sad News...
My Hot Girlfriend,
Victoria's Secret
Mannequin Gwen,
Accidentally Burned
Her Hands Off
Baking Cookies

Shouldn't Eye Patches
Have Eyeballs painted
on them ??

Why haven't they started
microchipping babies ??

Have you ever pooped
a turd so big that it
splashed half way
up your back ??

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062018

This Week's
Curt's List is
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LOVE
...Or Whatever
You Call The
Desperate Desire
To Simply Have Our
Pee Pee's Touched

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Yep !!
Without Humans
Most Of You'all
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.
Sunday's Curt's List
Is Being Brought
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A Little Too Religious
Bunch of Old Men
Who Wear Dresses
Goofy Hats
& Sing Songs
No One
Can Understand.
...Oh Yeah
They Also,
Apparently,
Rape Children

 Frankenstein's
Online Fire
Awareness
Safety Training
Courses

Tony Bennett's
Failed Song Titles
I Left My Spleen
In Tuscaloosa
I Left My Intestines
In East Philadelphia
I Left My Right Lung
In West Virginia



= = = =

Things That
Sound Naughty??
Large Staff
Itchin' To Go
Pocket Comb
Extra Headroom
Carpet Cleaner
Sassafras
Pole Dancer
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Ball State
Long, Dark, Shaft
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Ball Glove
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Plumbers Putty
Pie Hole
Dark Meat
Y'all Come !
Black Angus
Love Seat
Eliza Dushku
Meats & Cheeses
Filthy Hoe
Hump Day

.

I Believe You Should Live Every Day
Like It's Your FIRST, Instead of
Like It's Your Last
- Lay in Bed all Day, Cry a Lot,
& Soil Yourself Repeatedly.
- c.f.

Believing in Any Religion Instead of Yourself is Completely Idiotic and a Complete Waste of Time

But I Gotta' Draw The Line On Any Religion That Requires Too Much Rediculous Shit:
Old Men In Dresses
Old Men In Stupid Hats
Languages & Songs No One
Can Pronounce
Much Less Sing
Chanting
Pedophilia
ANY Old Men
In Dresses
Raping Children
Especially
Catholic F'n Priests.
Goddamn !!
Eating Flesh
Drinking Blood
Random Kneeling
Booze & Crackers
Pool Dunking
Ring Kissing
Grown Men Crying
Like Little Pussies
Those F'n Jackoffs
That Raise Their
Hands When Any
Music Is Playing
Confessions
Crucifixions
Anything on
Sunday Morning
Including Church
Congregations
Offerings
Missionaries
Nuns
Yelling
Slamming Bibles
Crowds Reading Bibles
Speaking In Tongues
(Complete Horseshit)
Magic Underwear
More Than One Wife
Tithing
Stoning
Sharia Law
Killing Anyone For
Any F'n Reason
Robes (Dresses)
Prayers
Imaginary Friends
Missionary Position Only
Choirboys/Alterboys
Head Bowls/Caps
Dreidels
Kosher Anything
No Bacon
Forhead Insignia
Wearing Tablechoths
or Full Body Drapes
Blasphemy
Believing &/or Devoting Your Life To Any
Book of Fairy
Tales Over 3,000
Yrs. Old Totally Written From Recollection 200-300 Years After The Orig. Tales.
Teeth Gnashing
Firey Pits
Space Prophets
or Any F'n Prophets
for That Matter
Holy/Righteous
Anything/Anyone
Hollywood Actors
Sci-Fi Writers
Fasting
Restrictive Diets
Prayer Mats
Any F'n Preacher
or Minister w/
a Mansion, Jet
or Tv Studio
Worshiping Virgins
Any A-Hole Who
Asks If I'm A
Criss-Chin or
If I Know
The Lord
Can Suck It
Any Dipshit
Who Says
They're In Love
w/ Jesus
Can Lick My Taint
Any Fuktard
That Uses
Crosses or
Backward Fish
to Sell ANYTHING
Kneeling & Praying
To ANY F'n Entity
Five Times A Day
Bible Study
Fuckin' With Snakes
In The Name of
Jay-Zus!!

.

 Thrown-Out
Oscar Meyer
Hot-Dog
Slogans
"Put Our Wieners
In Your Mouth!"
"Wrap Your Lips
Around This Wiener!"
"You'll Love The
Taste of Our
Juicy Weiners!"
"Stick Our Jumbo
Weiners Between
Your Buns!"

+  +  +  +Curt's List Has Previously Been Brought To You By A Few of The Following Important Sponsors:

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is Sponsored By
Kemosabe's
Home Repair
Service
Tonto Fix

Made .Kizer Sofa's Door-to-Door
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Does YOUR Workplace
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This Sign ???

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More Sponsors
070918

.

Kimosabe's
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.

Miss Crystal M. Heth's
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Densmore Pontiac's
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.
Both Downtown
Tulsa Panhandlers:
The Homeless
& those
F'n Parking
Meters
.
Kemosabe's
Dance Studio
Tonto Fox Trot

 .

...on the third day of
Christmas my true love
gave to me...
Herpes ??
WT... ??



 Sponsor's
041018
This Week's
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Sponsored By
"Steam McClean"
Bullitt Carwashes
- And -
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Our RV's Leak
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Isn't Connected To Anything)

 = = = = =

The news has been reporting
Churches everywhere arming people in the Church & learning self defense tactics against active shooters.

You can read your bible & worship all you want at home - people.

Same for Schools; Home Schools don't get shot up. (...yet)

The reason these places are
getting shot up is because it's where defenseless people gather which makes them easy targets. 092418

Sunday's Curt's List
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.

Jim Jowles "Kids For Coats"
Bring your slightly used & unwanted child by any Calf Lick Charities & trade that little Yard Ape
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Ed Gore'sCooling Fans for Globes
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round door salesman.Sunglasses by
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Independent Contractors Union 506 Members
Three Miniature Pigs Construction
In Conjunction With B.B.Wolf Demolition Co. Specializing in Stick, Straw,
& Brick Home Construction

.Ko-neesha, Rastess, Tiny, Big Tiny, Oprah, Dupree, Jeyzis, Lamar, Skinny Bob, Densmore Pontiac, Sanchez Sanchez, and the Rest of the Bum Washers Down at

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feelin' it...

Densmore Pontiac's
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Richardson, Richardson
Richardson & Carr & Carr
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 AND

 The New Netflix
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Large Tupperware Containers
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GLAD
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More Funny Stuff
010918

This Weeks Curt's List
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Day Saints
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Things That
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Hard Noodle
Butterfinger
Tiny Pianist
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(Whoaaa...that
one IS naughty)
Gettin' Chubby
Horizontal Drilling

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Making Sleazy,
Gangster Operated
Pawn Shops SEEM
Legit ??

.

LORD AMONG-US !!!

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02/14/18

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Ant JeMime

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"EVERYTHING INTO
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This Portion of
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The 99 Cent Store
Viagra-Like Stiffy Kit:
2 Popsicle Sticks
& A Rubber Band

Sunday's Curt's List
Is Being Brought To You
In Part By
New From N. Korea
Cup of Poodles

.

More Sad News...
My Hot Girlfriend,
Victoria's Secret
Mannequin Gwen,
Accidentally Burned
Her Face Off
Roasting Weiners
While Camping

.

More Sponsors
062718
.

.
This Week's
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Sponsored By
My Neighbors
New Blinds, Curtains
& Shades
No One Should
Ever Have To
See That Again !!
.
The W.E. Portion
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Heinz Failed
Marketing Names
Heinz Tomato Stuff
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Is Sponsored By
Heavy Metal
Jazz Quintet
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.
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Elusive Hunker
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Popular Squat

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 More Stuff

071018

Kemosabe's
Roofing
Tonto Hammer
.
The Following
Misleading
Businesses
There are no
Ladies Feet
in Lockers
or Crackers
in Barrels
No Homes
at the Depot
& No Fingers
in the Hut
.

N. Korea's
Finest Cuisine
BENJI-Hana

.

Here's a 3 min. song I wrote
or poem...
cf

There ain't no light
like the moonlight
ain't no kiss
like a welcome home

I can't remember
what her name was
but I loved her
yeah, I loved her

I wish I could go back
take a step in time
feel the way I did - then
& make her mine

I can't remember
what her name was
but I loved her
yeah, I loved her

It's all so easy
when you're havin' fun
like a blurry fog
until you're done
If I didn't have music
I wouldn't have
lasted this long
Thank you
for the good times
& Thank you
for your love

It's funny how
your life can go
like a rollercoaster
and then so slow
days drag out & the
gray hair grows
and then it's time
to simply say
goodbye

.

 Survival Guide To The Dreaded
WORK POOP
I Stole This One...

I Did Add Wetback & Upper Deck...

.
 We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something
 brewing down below.
 As much as we try to convince ourselves, the WORK POOP is
 inevitable. For those of you who hate pooping at work as much as I do, I give you the.........Survival Guide for
 Taking a Dump at Work.
 Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become
 a pure pleasure.

CROP DUSTING
 Definition: When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else
 gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart
 has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.
 
ESCAPEE
 Definition: A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing poop in a stall. This is usually
 accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. This
 is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you
 are standing next to the farter at the urinal, pretend that you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK

(Used in conjunction with escapee)
 Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a
 machine guns pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen do not panic,
 remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

 COURTESY FLUSH
 Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the
 amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom.
 This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
 
WALK OF SHAME
 Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you.
 As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of a COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER
 Definition: A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often see an Out of the Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm.
 Always look around the office for the Out of the Closet pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN)
 Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of OUT OF THE CLOSET
 POOPERS and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVEN
 Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds
 of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR
 Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the
 stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the TURD BURGLAR leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH
 Definition: A phony cough which alerts all new entrants into
 the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON or to alert potential TURD BURGLARS.
 Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE
 Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential
 TURD BURGLARS that you are occupying a stall. This will
 remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an
 ASTAIRE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can
 poop in peace.

WATERMELON
 Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident.
 If you feel a WATERMELON coming on, create a diversion.
 See CAMO-COUGH.

WETBACK
 Definition: Similar to a Watermelon. A turd so big it splashes water half way up your back.

HAVANA OMELET
 Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by
 an escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with an ASTAIRE.

UNCLE TED
 Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UNCLE TED makes it
 difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY
 Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in, check for other poopers. If there are
 others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
 bathroom.
 
CRACK WHORE
 Definition: A crapper that has seen more ass than a Greyhound Bus. Tell tale signs of a CRACK WHORE include
 pubes, piss stains and poop streaks. Avoid a CRACK WHORES at all cost. Try finding out when the janitor cleans each particular bathroom. Don't forget with a good cleaning, a
 CRACK WHORE can become a SAFE HAVEN.

UPPER DECK
Definition: A good way to leave
a crappy job after getting fired.
More of a 2 part revenge tactic...
1. You take the chain off of the
flapper inside the tank.
2. You save up a massive turd,
or better yet - an entire family of massive turds, and release them
with a Suck This note attached
to the front before grabbing
your box...on the way out..